How to Bounce Back After Grief or Loss
Life, like a glittering diamond, has many facets. Grief reflects just another facet of the human experience. When people talk about their experiences, there seems to be an infinite number of ways it can be felt. No two people are alike; even close family members often grieve differently. So when ever any one offers you a checklist to the stages of grieving, you should take it only as a kind of general guideline.
I’d like to talk about grief briefly, and then move on to coping skills that will help you heal.
People can be consumed by grief. How you respond to a loss depends on various factors about your situation:
Sudden or slow? You can be devastated by sudden loss, or slowly eroded by watching a loved one die and suffer anticipatory grief.
Closeness. How close were you to the deceased? If you were very close, the relationship rocky, or you had unfinished business, the feelings can be intensified.
Your “bounce” factor, which is the way your personality handles life’s everyday ups and downs. Are you generally resilient, or do you have trouble even with minor setbacks?
Been there before. People who have experienced death, dying and loss before seem to fare better; they know what to expect.
It’s real. Even if the deceased was a second cousin, was very old , or you suffered a miscarriage, your feelings are still very real and must be accepted by those around you.
So now that you know a little bit more about your feelings, let’s talk about things you can do to cope and make it through this difficult time. Again, these are general guidelines:
- Know that you are not alone. This is not the time to have a stiff upper lip. Allow those around you to provide comfort, support and help. Seek out the social safety net of friends, family, neighbors or your religious community.
- Accept and express your feelings. Begin a journal. Talk to a friend. Cry on someone’s shoulder. Once you begin this process, it is a very powerful way to work through the grief.
- Take care of your health. Know that your body is experiencing trauma. Take it easy and slow down. Get some rest. Eat nutritious food. Take a long walk and get some exercise. Now is not the time to neglect your health.
- Be patient with yourself. You may become forgetful, or feel distracted. Tell your boss you won’t be 100% for a while. Leave notes to your self as reminders.
- Seek help if you need it. If you feel the burden is too heavy to bear, there are counselors, therapists, faith-based groups, and online forums you can turn to in your time of need.
I will leave you with my personal coping tip, learned from many encounters with death: know that you never stop loving that special person. Even though they are physically gone, you can still carry them with you, every day, in your heart. They will always a part of you and you are a better person for having known them. Time does heal all wounds.
Here are some more resources to help you bounce back from a death or loss.
Filed under: AGIS, Community, Elder Issues, Health & Safety, Inspiration, Uncategorized
In your article “How to Bounce Back After Grief or Loss,” I disagree with your premise because I don’t believe that it is possible to “bounce back” after grief or loss. Healing is a process that takes place over a period of time.
Yes, loss is a fact of life. Yet, following loss, their needs to be a healthy healing, a healing that allows life not only to simply continue, but with joy and determination. What are the elements that make up healing? Whether suffering from a divorce, loss of a child, loss of a parent or loss of a spouse, we go through certain stages and reactions. Not only is it different for each person, it is different with each loss. Based on the nature of the relationship, we must take into consideration the history we had with that person, the strengths, the troubled aspects, our ego strengths, the intensity of the love and the unfinished fragments of the relationship according to Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter.
“There are many feelings in common that people go through in the stages of grief; as well as an often overlap of these stages. The stages include shock, denial, anger, depression, and transition, integration and adjustment .Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is credited with naming the stages that she created for the dying. We have reframed the last stage of “acceptance” to call it, integration, adjustment and transition as it better describes what people actually move through. There is a great deal of emotion during loss, as we move from one stage to another and then back again. A few steps forward and a few steps back – be reassured that this back-and-forth movement is perfectly normal.
While moving through the stages of grief, know that:
Healing takes TIME.
Healing requires PATIENCE.
Healing is SLOW.
Healing means MOVING BACK AND FORTH IN PROGRESS.
Healing means BEING EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE TO YOURSELF.
Healing means BEING KIND AND LESS JUDGMENTAL TO YOURSELF.
Healing means allowing whatever FEELINGS TO SURFACE, knowing that they are subject to change.
Healing means that SOME DAYS ARE EASIER THAN OTHERS.
Healing means ALLOWING feelings to be present.
Healing means its OK to CRY and express doubt.
Healing means the ability to take in the POSITIVE while acknowledging the negative.
Healing means allowing OTHERS to come in and offer support.
Healing employs SELF-ACCEPTANCE and allowing yourself to be “in the moment”.
Healing is about creating BALANCE in your life.
Healing is about enjoying NATURE and spending enough time to slow down, breathe the air and see the trees.
Healing is about EXERCISE and adequate NUTRITION.
Healing is about using POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS about yourself and your world.
Healing is about feeling SAFE within yourself.
Healing is about LISTENING TO YOUR INNER VOICE.
Lastly, when we can share our bereavement experiences with others who are going through the same thing, we are participating in our own as well as each others healing. It is important to recognize that the wounded healer, in healing the wounds of others, is healing his or her own wound. This back and forth process of listening and being emotionally available to yourself and others is useful in moving forward. The humanness of a shared experience is healing; when we recognize that we are not alone and isolated, we feel a sense of security knowing what the larger community can offer.”
THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (Sourcebooks, Inc.; ISBN 1-932783-48-2) by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., is a step-by-step grief recovery guide to provide the mourner with the tools needed to successfully navigate the painful, emotional ups-and-downs of grieving. “Healing Power of Thought” journal is included, a daily roadmap for healing and recording important, positive progress all along the way.
Very well written and comprehensive article. Grief is ultimately an individual journey. elaine